
I don't know about the rest of you guys, but when I was a kid I had a hard time with those crazy ads in the comics. By the time I was twelve years old I was so confused, I didn't know whether be a motorcycle mechanic, veterinarian assistant, surveyor or draftsman, a forest ranger, game warden, locksmith (the key to your future), or carpet cleaner. All of these professions seemed to provide solid financial security, so I could retire way before the age of fifty. Customizing vans, inside and out, was another hot ticket to fame and fortune where you could earn up to $750 a week! But remember -- start with your OWN car. Looking back, what really looked attractive I imagined was to be a GRIT salesman, a regular boy entrepreneur, what ever that was? But what the hell was GRIT? I thought is was some kind of dirt or seeds, or something like that, but it turned out to be only the best selling weekly newspaper with loads of useful stuff. A legion of thirty-thousand kids can't be wrong, and you win such cool prizes (give me that scuba mask every time), HOW CAN YOU LOSE? And nine whole cents of profit for every sale of the twenty-five cent rag full of comics, games, and exciting fiction! Well, needless to say, I never sold and issue.
So every month I would grab my allowance, run down to the corner store, and read the comic ads with enjoyment chomping down on a Slim Jim spicy smoked beef snack -- you know the mighty meat snacks that CONQUERS THE HORRIBLE HUNGERIES, looking for another ten cent off coupon for that ICEE slushee drink, the coldest drink in town. I kept 7-Eleven in business back then collecting those plastic Marvel and DC character cups, you would suck that slurpee thru those tiny coffee stir straws and get the frozen headache right in the middle of your forehead. I styled my shaggy 70s hair with a real switchblade comb, the push button nine inch long one that I was supposed to buy while it was still legal! Things were much simpler then, I could be taller instantly by at least 2 full inches, and uplift my social life with those dandy Liftee Company Shoes invisible foam rubber pads. Man, I was six foot three at twelve years old. And hey, don't you ever call me skinny with ISOKINETICS, a new break through in muscle building, scientist proved it was 166% better than weights, but that steel whip cable that ran around my pencil neck almost snapped me in half, right out of the box. MOM! And there was always Charles Atlas and our favorite California Governor to stop any dudes kicking sand in my spotty face. Oh, and hit the Vacutex for ugly blackheads -- out in seconds. Nuff said.

I tell you what else women like on a strapping hunk of twelve year old flesh is that exciting romantic look, impressive anytime, genuine MUSTACHE, VAN DYKE, and MUTTON CHOP SIDEBURNS. Be sure to check your color first cuz' you don't want to look like a fool with those red bristles next to a shaggy blonde "Beatles" haircut. You had a variety of hair color to choose from, including silver. Know many white haired kids? Me either. Or to play it safe you can send a lock of you own fur for a true scientific color match. (Hurry up sis, yes it's OK to run with scissors this time.) Or you could just get the ladies when you have that real HE-MAN VOICE from Eugene Feuchtinger's world famous book, "Voice Power & Personal Power." Sometimes I just felt like 007, because of my super secret spy scope, tricked out see behind eyeglasses in the black Buddy Holly frames, or those FANTASTIC, EERIE X-RAY GLASSES. Gosh, I could never find my pair as I walked by the girls locker room. But who needs magic specs to see the gals when you can just control them mentally! Dr. Strange got nuthin' on me when I bought my first super HYPNO-COIN to hypnotize any beauty at a glance and make her obey my every command, even without the subject's knowledge! I could have really used that in college. Magic and science are helpful to get a gal, however when you can do cool stuff like throw your voice, once you find the hidden secrets of ventriloquism, or serenade the babes when you LEARN TO PLAY A GUITAR IN ONLY SEVEN DAYS, or your money back! That was a secret system worth a nine dollar value for a mere four bucks. It's chicken feed! Time to hit Dad up again for more allowance, but don't put reminders on eggs or windshields like those zany Aurora model maker's suggested, just hit em' up in person, always worked best for me.

OK guys, you all remember this one? The coin ads with the big REWARD sign!How many of us were duped into searching for that damn $10,000 Lincoln head penny, the lost one from the Denver mint, or the $1000 six cent defective Walt Disney stamp. If I had had the Official Coin Guidebook, this foolish mistake would've never happened to me. Why don't they ever tell us kids about this stuff sooner? And the comic magazines were always pushin' those foreign stamps from places like RED CHINA that were banned for a generation of American collectors. Hey, I almost forgot, a few lucky television repairmen accidentally discovered you can hypnotize anyone with a TV set -- or you money back! The secrets method used an ordinary television set and you need no prior hypnosis training or electronic knowledge. Well, that about covers me.

Gang, I wasn't the only kid who loved comics and these ads. I had a pal in Alaska who used to play sick on Sundays so he could stay home and watch Jonny Quest and skip-out on church. The little heathen. I have changed his name to protect his innocence, so lets just call him, Ron Magnus. But who of us needs Dr. Quest for a father when you can just join the American Kit -A- Month Program. Dig some of these crazy kits dude, from the American Basic Science Club -- like the Electrical Lab, Photography Lab, the Analog Computer, Lights and Optics Lab, and my favorite the ATOMIC ENERGY LAB for only $4.95 per kit! See, it had an atomic cloud chamber so you could study the vapor trails of alpha and beta particles and their cosmic rays. With the spinthariscope you watch exploding atoms while you measured for any background radiation while testing sample sources from Uranium Ore. All this to be performed on your dining room table with just a pair of pliers and Philip's head screwdriver needed. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY -- IT'S FUN! IT'S EASY. Boy, little Ron thought the family Basset Hound would never stop glowing.
Hey, if a little radioactive materials leaked out of your mother's kitchen, you'll be ready for it with your new POLARIS NUCLEAR SUB, over seven feet long and big enough for two kids. How proud you will be as commander of the most powerful ship on the sea! What hours of imaginative play and fun as you and your friends dive, surface, maneuver, watch the enemy through the periscope and release nuclear missiles and torpedoes, (on a sister and her pals I bet). Thrill as you hunt sunken treasure in pirate waters and explore the strange and mysterious ocean floor! All within the safety and comfort of your living room. But whatever you do please -- just be sure to keep it out of water or you might be instantly fried from the beautiful electrically lit instrument panel. And if you buddy next door also has a POLARIS or perhaps a SHERMAN TANK from the same company, you both now can practice real WARGAMES from Strategy & Tactics Magazine. S&T gives it to you straight, without any frills, six issues a year. You'll find the greatest military campaigns in history described in a mass of detail but in a concise, no-nonsense text. Loads of maps, charts, and diagrams make you in command of the armed forces that will take back the dining room in a matter of minutes. Take no prisoners as you study the tactics of the infamous Battle of Moscow or the detailed torture techniques of a noble Roman Centurion.

Ever have a wheezing baby brother with chronic asthma and prescription shoes who dog ears all you best comics? Yep, me too! STOP STOOPING JUNIOR! with the amazing Piper Shoulder Brace that provides even distributed support for sagging shoulders and gives you a wonderful new feeling of confidence. Well, it didn't work, and the little bugger was too much of a wimp to ever play with us big boys, so what could we do for him? Pop saw him drawin' a lot, so we all chipped in and got him the Famous Artist School Talent Test. CAN YOU DRAW THIS? This fantastic course wanted to test your talent before somebody messed it up (that would happen later in college). It measures you basic drawing ability, sense of color, design, imagination, etc. (Hey, get this kid an EASY BAKE OVEN). All this from a twelve page test, and the instructors won't knock your doodles and provide you the individual attention you need -- but Norman Rockwell also won't let you get away with so-so work when you could be doing better. Junior was pretty good and loved doing the lessons, but alas, Bob Peak or Bernie Fuchs never called. Sad but true. But being a real "No-Prize" winner that he was, one could always cheer mini-brother up with a good healthy stock South American SQUIRREL MONKEY that came in their own cage for only $13.95. Remember to send a cashiers check or money order with you telephone number and location of the nearest airport.

Wait, let me find my favorite board game, get down on the floor, turn off the lights and suddenly --You are under the spell of KA-BALA the MYSTIC ONE, sees all, tells all, let us ask the ever seeing eye of ZOHAR what was the greatest crazy ad from the millions of comics I read so far in my life -- the most famous ad was the one and only SEA-MONKEYS, just add water and you have "Instant life." ANOTHER MIRACLE OF SCIENCE! Watch the comic antics of these fantastic underwater buffoons that are really alive. Own a bowl full of happiness -- instant pets! MILLIONS THRILLED BEYOND WORDS! So eager to please, they can even be trained like seals -- too bad when you find out they are really mini brine shrimp. But my goldfish, Popeye, really enjoyed them while they lasted!
But seriously folks, out of all the ads provided by these tomes of enjoyment from my childhood, there was one great advertisement that burned a picture in my mind that is still there today. No, it was not the Daisy Rifle BB Gun you wanted for Christmas, nor the 132 Roman Soldiers for $1.98 drawn by Russ Heath, or the MONOGRAM snap-tite model dragster inside a full sized Pepsi bottle. No, the one ad that made my head spin with an after image so strong that I can hardly drive by a bait shop today, was the simple, no nonsense, NIRESK DISCOUNT SALES, INC. -- Three Complete Fishing Outfits of 411 Pieces for only $12.95. Oh my god, I just about had a heart attack when I first saw this ad, either in color or black and white, with those 3 rods -- the MARK IV Levelwind casting reel or the NEW! Super "88" model or the ARGOSY direct drive trolling reel. There were sixty-six field tested deadly lures in two giant tackle boxes crammed with stuff to make you the veteran angler in minutes. This, out of all the wild and weird advertisements was the only ad that really made sense to me, and I still remember fondly fishing behind my home, drinking Coke out of my canteen, and using bacon or hot dogs as bait to catch those tiny Sun Perch. Too bad the comic ads today can't match those of my childhood.
